How I balanced my children’s grandmothers’ very different approaches to parenting

As seen in the Sydney Morning Herald. 

My mother is the doyenne of Australian etiquette, June Dally-Watkins. My mother-in-law is an almost illiterate farmer from the mountains of eastern Tuscany. Both are formidable, wise women.

But their mothering styles are biting opposites. One is a successful Australian businesswoman whose life’s work has been her career, the other a humble Italian woman who has dedicated her life to her family. Trying to glean child-raising tips from both has pretty much done my head in.

It might even be time to give up trying to be a good mum – or as my kids would say, mom. Or maybe mamma. Now 18 and 16, my children are half-Australian and half-Italian. They speak English with American accents and Italian with Florentine accents, and they flow easily between one and the other depending on their company. 

With such inherent cultural diversity, they don’t seem to suffer too much identity confusion. Whereas my maternal compass – born and raised in Australia, with one culture and one language – is frazzled. For 20 years I’ve been travelling between Sydney and my home in Florence, trying to work out which culture has the best parenting principles for my polyglots. 

Striving to be a good mum, mom and mamma by reconciling my birth culture with my new culture, I’ve naturally looked to my mother as a role model. But while navigating the choppy waters of my children’s teenage years, I observed my mother-in-law, too.  

Nonna Gemma on daily life:  “Never let your husband see you idle. When the working males return home, the women must not be seen relaxing. Men must believe their women are constantly on the move, cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, keeping house with rigour and determination. You are a signora. Ideally, you won’t have to work outside the home.” 

My mother: “Work. Get a job. He might leave you so you must have a career to fall back on. Look fabulous at all times. When at home, wear casual clothes and look even more fabulous.”

Nonna Gemma on cooking: “Always make something the grandchildren love, something they’ve eaten many times so that your food will not fail to disappoint, a reliable, heart-warming dish using a well-worn recipe of lasagne, or roast chicken with roast potatoes. Pasta should be home-made, chicken hand-reared and potatoes home-grown. 

My mother: “Cook something no one has ever tasted or heard of. Use a new recipe adapted to what’s in the fridge.” 

Nonna Gemma on raising children: “Never let the children do sleep-overs. One never knows what other families do when they’re in their own homes.”

My mother: “Let your children go. Trust them to make their own decisions, and the right decisions.” 

Nonna Gemma on raising teenagers: “Give them lots of cash. Buy them clothes because they are the family’s mascot, our representatives when out and about. Repair their clothes with a fully kitted-out sewing box.”

My mother: “Make children get a job to learn the value of hard work and money. Clothes are birthday and Christmas presents. There might be a hotel sewing kit in my cabin luggage bag.” 

Nonna Gemma on school lunches: “Nothing beats a container of pasta with a tomato sauce made from scratch with garlic, basil, olive oil and parmesan cheese. In a second container add chargrilled chicken with salad.”

My mother: “A sandwich made with white sliced bread and last night’s chicken and lettuce should do it.” 

Nonna Gemma on university education for their grandchildren: “Why should they leave home for university? Why have babies if you’re only going to send them away? At 18, they’re still children.”

My mother: “The world is their oyster. Make them international people. Let them stand on their own two feet. Send them away.” 

Nonna Gemma on table manners: “There are none.”

My mother: “Put your knife and fork together to show you’ve finished. No. Not like that, the blade must be facing inwards towards the fork. No. The plate is like a clock and the handles must be at six o’clock.” 

The only way to tackle such opposing child-rearing advice is to try to mix and match their guidelines until the balance between Italian “smother love” and Australian “tough love” is just right, like one of my mother-in-law’s recipes. 

Anglo-Saxons show their children they love them by teaching them how to do everything for themselves. Italians show they love their children by doing everything for them. Trying to be a good mum, for me, is about harmonising that while focusing on how I feel. Most people in bicultural families live in the present, look to our children’s future and try to honour the past. Finding the best child-rearing process in the middle of all that cultural identity can be hard, especially with such wildly different matriarchs. 

Both women are contradictory in every way, but hearing their opinions opens up different worlds for me as a mother. Neither way is right, just as neither way is wrong. There are two lifetimes of insight in their approaches, and there is value in learning from both. If only I could fathom how. 

Maybe it’s time to stop trying so hard, to stop judging, comparing, choosing and balancing. Perhaps if I keep my kids close, while trusting them to make the right decisions, I’ll succeed in being a good mum as well as bringing their grandmothers’ attitudes into alignment. There is only one thing I know for sure about motherhood, and it applies regardless of where you come from: children thrive on love, no matter what the language. 

How I balanced my children's grandmothers' very different approaches to parenting

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3 thoughts on “How I balanced my children’s grandmothers’ very different approaches to parenting

  • Lisa!! We must be on the same page! I feel like sometimes I fail miserably at parenting, as do a lot of women I speak with. Comparison is an evil we should avoid! I have parented 2 different batches of children – our first 3 went without so much and they we’re happy with simple things and sharing meals if we happened to be lucky enough to go out, was common. I tried to please everybody and look like the perfect parent. The next 2, ten years on, I fail often – I am soft and tired and haven’t the energy to care so much about being perfect. They are given so much more, have travelled the world while the others only got to go camping. For them, sharing would be a shock and even tho we are in no ways a wealthy family, they are blessed with the material. They really have no idea what it’s really like to go without. I have lovely children , all of them, however they are FULL of life and adventure. I often felt judged by others who seemed to have perfect quiet children, tho perhaps I was not.
    With the first 3, I tried to please everybody and I was the ‘tough love mother’ – they survived, but I think I have regrets about some of my decisions, trying to please others (thank God for forgiveness) and the second 2, I have been soft and I think they, in turn have ruled me –also some regrets. Today I am coming to a place where I am just able to free myself from what other people think and say ‘I did it my way – I did my best’. I’m learning to let go of expectation and regret and be happy with my choices even though I know they are lacking sometimes – I just keep looking forward and enjoy watching them grow into lovely people even if the journey hasn’t always been sweet.
    Oh there goes another Marathon!! Sorry!!

    • mm

      Lisa Clifford

      Thanks so much for your comment Steph,
      it really is so nice of you to take the time to let me know that you too have felt what I’ve felt. Somehow I don’t think we are alone.
      I don’t think we are ever truly confident in how we’ve rasied our children. I do know that I have a very, very different way of raising my kids to the way Paolo would and does raise them. Aussies have a different way of raising kids. I am trying to do it my way but touch love doesn’t cut it here. Everyone is all about doing everything for their children, a bit of a battle for me!
      If your children are anything like you, they are lovely Steph!
      Take care and keep in touch,

  • ps — LOVED what you wrote!

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